I sincerely hope my brother-in-law lets us keep the chimnea he left behind. It’s become one of my most useful & convenient magic tools. Between giving us some lovely outdoor fire-nights, being a stick & leaf disposal unit, and focal point for the yard, this thing is backyard witchcraft at its finest!
Magic Stuff I Have Used The Chimnea For:
- Smoke cleansing large objects. Light a charcoal block in the belly, add loose incense and pass objects thru smoke out the top without scorching anything.
- Burning a curse poppet at midnight and gathering the ashes to scatter at a crossroads the next morning before sunrise.
- Safe place for a free-standing candle to burn down. Wax forms a 3-D shape that can then be read for divination.
- Disposal of leftover spell elements that I didn’t want hanging around.
- Being a weirdo in public, with none the wiser.
If you’re lucky enough to score one of these bad girls, I highly endorse using it to it’s magical limits and beyond. Smaller table-top or tea-light versions can be used for excellent spell work as well. You just have to get creative and make sure you know if your unit can handle high temps or not.
Mini-Chimnea Suggested uses
- Sprinkle loose incense on a tea light to add the energies to it. You may not get smell, but you’ll feel it.
- If made of heat-proof metal or clay – Use as a charcoal brazier, just add incense.
- Chime/ free-standing candle burning container.
- Put sand in the bottom and use for stick incense.
- Mini-altar for Hearth Deities and House Spirits.
However you utilize a chimnea, the results are nothing short of enchantingly magical. There’s a primal beauty and wonder in a bonfire, but there’s something about a semi-contained source of fire and heat that hits deeper into the heart. It may be that since chimnea and similar fires are in our more recent cultural memories, I feel something more ancient than a wood stove or fire place can fully embody.
It’s more magic than a fire pit, but still mundane.
It invites attention, but not enough to invite suspicion.
I can sit in my yard tossing handfuls of herbs on the fire, and if a neighbor asks what’s that smell, I can say with perfect honesty, that the herbs keep mosquitoes away.
And in the winter, no one’s outside b/c it’s too damn cold.
Yeah, I don’t think my brother in law is getting this thing back any time soon.
I”m good at some of the more controversial spells; Curses, Hexes, Banishing, etc. I can get nasty people out of someone’s life quickly, sometimes with a modicum of difficulty, but usually within 3-6 months they’re totally gone and my client can begin the work of rebuilding their life from a better emotional place.
Where I really shine, dubiously enough, is Love & Lust Spell-work. Hooo boy, have I got stories I could tell!
Things I didn’t even realize were spells that worked great! Until they wore off and blew up in my face. Or for other people, who later found out that the person they wanted me to get them wasn’t as hot shit as they had thought. I thought my abusive ex was part of a manifested love spell, which is partly why I stayed with him as long as I did; I asked “make him totally different from what i’m used to”, and he certainly was… A Summer Romance spell manifested for me a lover who came into my life in June and was gone by September. The sex was great and exactly what I needed to help get my groove back . After that fizzled, I used magic to help me find my Someone Just For Me, and I am now married to that person and the alchemy is perfect. Alchemy, not chemistry b/c the end result is Gold where there once was Lead. Chemistry is just a bunch of explosions and smoke. (I failed chemistry twice in high school, so that may be a factor.)
And just like Curse-Shaming is a live and well in the pagan communities, so is Love Spell Shaming. When working a manipulative spell to break up a relationship is considered on-par with rape, then I really have a hard time accepting that I”m really freaking good at conjuring up a hot date for someone.
The way I work my spells, there’s always a loophole. IF the target person is not already somewhat attracted to the client, then the spell WON’T WORK. At all. And if the target person is already in a relationship with someone else, I will tell the client in no uncertain terms that no good can come from this. Usually that’s enough to get them to go away, but then I’m killing a potential client-relationship. To the point where I just don’t even advertise that part of my skill set.
Maybe I should, tho. Maybe I should just get it out there that I know how to use magic to get someone what, or who, they want, for good or for bad. Maybe my trying to save people from the pain and heartache of a lust spell gone too strong is keeping them from learning an important lesson, like I had to learn. I want to help people by saving them from pain and suffering, but that’s pretty much how humans learn to be human. Anything else is cheating.
“This love spell will get you what you want. Are you SURE this is what you want to do?”
“Yes! I want this person so much!”
“Ok… but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
Maybe I should get the spell consent in writing.
Yesterday I buried a poppet for a client’s abusive, child molesting, kiddy-porn-peddling husband. I made it out of an old towel she gave me for material, glued cursing herbs & a rock into the head area, wrapped it in an all-most-new spool of thread, and then bashed the poppet against an anvil 13 times. I put him in a mirror box lined with wide-open, staring googly eyes glued around the inside so that all his evil will be reflected back on him, and everyone will know him for what a monster he is. After the lid was glued shut, I wrote his full name on the outside of the box, as well as a list of his crimes. I then buried it in the woods. If anyone ever finds it, they will know without a doubt that the intended target earned his punishment.
+ + + + +
I’ve been sitting on that spell for a while.
Not that I was unsure or uncertain of the man’s guilt or innocence. The client showed me the report and my brain literally shut off the ability to read after just the first few lines. My client read the whole thing and vomited for three days afterward. I had a hard time sleeping after the few words I saw. It was like a cobalt blue flame had embraced me and was flaring behind my eyes. Dear Michael was furious and at that moment, He took control of the situation and assured both of us, my client and myself, that things will be ‘taken care of.”
But first I had to do a lot of thinking and planning and prep work.
I had to parse thru the bullshit guilt and shame foisted upon weird witchy folks like myself who practice regular (or even sporadic) curse work. Especially in the current political climate where the whole world went bonkers when a some rather milquetoast group posted on FB about global “Curse 45” event and then sent out invitations. I’m sure you all saw or heard of it.
Then the age old argument happened again; “real witches don’t curse” (they most certainly did/do), how that’s “stooping to their level” (when a Xtian counter-group organized a prayer event to protect their beloved Pumpkin Feurer, literally praying to a supposedly ‘loving’ god to protect the man who sold his soul for money and power?), and other such curse-shaming bullshit. I stood my personal ground and supported the conversation where it mattered, and held up a more quiet support position where my specific opinion wasn’t necessarily required b/c it had been stated better by someone else. But in the back of my mind, all the social conditioning and victim-blaming guilt that had been burned into me flared up again.
Even though this target in particular had been clearly marked for the demonic Beast in need of termination, I struggled with the particulars of it. Procrastination was my BFF; I waited for the right moon-phase but let it slide b/c the weather wasn’t perfect. I had to tend to the house and gardens on nice days; I hadn’t been able to go out and find an ‘ideal burial plot in the woods; I forgot a key ingredient somewhere, or didn’t have a suitable substitute on-hand, etc.
Finally, on the night before the target was to have his court date, I grabbed the tools I had on hand, set up a quick playlist, and told Hubby I was going out into the work shed with headphones, so text me if I’m needed.
I had thought I’d need to be sufficiently pissed and enraged to get all the power into the poppet, but the detached emotional state helped me stay focused. Thoughts came in pictures and tonal sounds, colors, Bibliomancy for some key words and phrases that I circled and made certain were marked in the two miniature bibles the client provided (her exact words were “Return them to the earth”, for they had been tainted and needed purification.) As the target had used the words of their God against children and family, those words would return his sins back upon his head and punish him for supreme blasphemy. I sealed the box and left the work shed for a much-needed dinner of comfort food. I didn’t feel drained or anything, but my arms were tired.
It takes a long time to unravel a large, almost-new spool of thread. At least twelve repetitions of ““The Vengeful One” by my count.
But for every inch of thread binding him, may he receive a corresponding lash, and may each long series of lashes be in exchange for the soul of a child that was harmed by his actions.
Did I mention he admitted to trafficking underage material where the children were as young as 3 months in some cases? Yeah, I kinda feel the need to stress that one.
Next morning, we got up early and made the trek up to the woods and buried the box. I made certain to write out his name and crimes. Hubs was supposed to be on look-out, but a hiker may have seen some weird thing get buried in the woods, and if anyone wants to check out what it is, they’ll see black duct tape and silver sharpie. I suppose I could have written the same thing on the mirrors inside, since those would be protected from water damn….
That evening, I get a call from the client. His defense attorney told the judge she was ‘Unprepared” and asked for a later date. They will reconvene in June.
Time to make a month’s worth of St Michael candles.
Note: Originally released as a Patron-Only posting for my Modern Mythology Scholar tier, I decided to re-post this in honor of St Patrick’s Day, Leprechauns, and helper-gnomes of all cultures. May the luck and aid of these mischievous earth spirits bring you everything you ask for, and nothing that you didn’t.
I love South Park. I think I’ve seen every episode at least thirty times, memorized the movie, played Stick of Truth three times, you get the idea. But one of their most brilliant throw-away ideas has taken root in my brain and was just begging for a spot in Modern Mythology: The Underpants Gnomes.
They have the dumbest business plan. They have no idea what phase two entails, but somehow it’s supposed to turn all the underpants they collect into profit. Which, when you know absolutely nothing about business, is pretty much a starting plan. You feel sufficiently busy and over-worked but have nothing to show for it aside from piles of panties. Or whatever you’re collecting/making. The whole episode is a satire of capitalism and small business vs big corporations and how the one can be just as greedy as the other. The Gnomes are the most honest business of all, openly declaring that they’re only doing things for money, without caring how they get it.
I began working with Gnomes (earth spirits, not specifically these guys) in 2015 when I was house-hunting and facing homelessness if we didn’t find a place to live by June. I picked up some Green Calcite stones at the annual gem & mineral show. I loved how they felt in my hand, very alive and eager to have a job. Green calcite is excellent for helping things manifest, and feels like having an army of little gnomes who are ready and eager to help you achieve your goals. The results can be a bit chaotic if you have very broad needs and desires. Green Calcite gnomes work better when given a fully-outlined plan of action, but take care not to be too specific in your desired results, because they will find exactly what you’re asking for, warts and all.
To use the Gnomes, I carried them in my pockets whenever we went loking at a house or apartment, and during the course of the walk-thru, I would en-devour to place a stone on the property. Sort of like sticking a pin onto a map, but this pin was an energy receiver/transmitter. Because Calcite is a soft stone and beneficial to the soil, I didn’t feel guilty about burying the gnomes where I might not be able to retrieve them later. When the houses we marked either were found to be unsuitable (needed a new foundation, out of our price range, the owners changed their mind, the house was haunted AF), I would turn off the beacon. I had a large chunk of calcite, the Gnome King, who was the control hub.
We did eventually find the perfect house for us, four days under the deadline.
There is a price to their service. It seems that the Underpants Gnomes will also accept socks as payment. Just my socks. My husband seems to have found every sock he ever lost, but nearly all of mine have vanished. So it seems I’ll have to give the little buggers something to keep them busy for a while. Honestly, the Gnomes are… kinda stupid. I mean, they’re willing to do all sorts of tasks in order to collect underthings and I honestly don’t want to know what they’re doing with the socks either. But they’re exceedingly helpful when asked nicely. Just be sure to give them clear instructions, and hide your favorite socks.
“Ah, Gnomes now!”
- Green Calcite pieces
- Large Green Calcite chunk (Gnome King)
- Money attraction oil/incense/powder
- Money-drawing herbs, folding money, coins, etc
- Written instructions, or an open contract (your spell)
- Be clear on what you’re looking for, but not too specific
- A house within my price range, with land to grow a garden and windows that my cat can sit in, within x miles of my job
- A job where i can have creative freedom, with a six-figure salary, in a field I enjoy, with awesome co-workers
- A car that I can afford, that runs perfectly, and will last at least 5+ years
Anoint the stones with Money Drawing oil, burn the incense and pass the stones through the smoke. Talk to the stones and tell then what you’re looking for. If you’re still trying to figure out the details, keep the stones with you when you’re discussing the matters and keep them involved. They’re always listening and they’ll take your counsel in the matters. Keep the King on your altar and talk to it when you want to relay messages to the other gnomes. You can put money-drawing herbs, cash, house listings, or whatever corresponds to your desire under the Gnome King.
When you go out job/house/car hunting, bring the stones with you so they can report back to the Gnome King. If possible, plant a Gnome on or near a potential candidate for acquisition. If something better come along, dismiss the Gnomes planted elsewhere from their duty.
When your goal is achieved, be sure to thank the Gnomes and the King for their service. Food, water, and booze are acceptable. Just don’t be surprised if your socks and underthings start vanishing later.
2016 Goal #2
Husband gets a vehicle that suits his needs and runs perfectly from Day One