Losing myself, but did I ever have myself in the first place?

Where do my loyalties lie?
ARE my loyalties just a lie?
Am I more loyal to my parents or to myself? or the IDEAS of my parents and myself. Is this even my TRUE self I’m trying to assuage or is it the False Self I’ve spent a lifeime cultivating and hiding behind to the point where I don’t know which is which?

Does being loyal mean mindlessly serving something that you have sworn yourself to, regardles sof the pressing evidence to jump ship while possible? Is this a temporaary storm or have I just been tossed around for so long that it’s become normal?

Do I stay or do i go? Do I get out while i still can and turn my back just like those before me have? Do I drive that nail into my mother’s coffin? Or have I been tasked with a force too great for one person to endure and I have the right to put it down before it crushes me?

I’m just gong to spin my wheels some more and do some Anxiety Donuts a bit longer….

Stuck In the Dark Place Today

((TRIGGER WARNING – Depression, suicidal thoughts, talk of self-harm & suicide))

We all need a Mulligan for this last year, but I especially need one for today.

Despite the progress I’ve made in my personal practice and development, I’m having a nearly impossible time shaking myself out of despair. It’s not just Season Affective Disorder ramping up my already chronic depression, it feel like residual Soul Sickness. Everything is going wrong today, tensions are running high, patience is non-existent and the intrusive thoughts are bobbing around my head like deep water mines.

Everything is going to hell. You don’t want to see this. Better to just slit your wrists and be done.

NO

Chew your veins out like an animal. Rip flesh between your teeth. IF you can’t tear out the throats of the enemy, then save yourself the struggle and die with blood on your lips.

 Fuck you, voices! I know that’s a stupid thing to do and doesn’t accomplish anything!

Then swerve into oncoming traffic, if you want it over quick.

Double fuck-you, voices! I know you’re just a manifestation of depression, and that I”m not actually suicidal. Just overwhelmed by despair…. Which doesn’t make it any easier, but I know these are NOT my own thoughts, just intrusions.

I have never been a cutter, although I know far too many who were/are and still bear the scars. But if these are the kinds of thoughts that run through their heads 24/7, reinforced by the negative environments and living conditions they had to endure….. I can see why they thought that giving in, even briefly, would alleviate some of the anguish.
But once that adrenaline and endorphin rush fades away, the whispers come right back. I know this without resorting to self-harm, because the moment I employ one of my numerous coping mechanisms, the thoughts of suicide come right back.

There’s this overwhelming feeling of wanting to run away; to flee from some invisible monster that will gobble me up if I stay put, but I know that I cannot out run it either way. Running from problems is not solving them. But when you spend years trying to solve problems, the Universe throws more at you and I know there are lessons to be learned, but part of me wonders if it’s all even worth it, seeing what kind of world we’re setting up to inhabit in  2017. I have a bad feeling there’s going to be a lot of suicide notes left for people to find on New Year’s Day….

To keep the voices at bay, I stare at my tattooed wrist, at the symbol marked into my skin : Our sigil. The simple design I created for a commitment tattoo that stood for our agreement to be married, until such time as he was able to afford an emerald ring. If the world goes to hell, I can sell the ring to pay for food. If the world goes to hell, I have a permanent reminder of what I have to live for; Love.

Even if we have no money, we have each other. Even if they take the house and the car, we have eachother. Even if we have to flee into the woods with the clothes on our back and the pets in their carriers, we have eachother. He has sworn to protect me, with his life if need arise, and I pray it will never come to that point.Physical and present dangers, I know he can handle and get me to safety; That’s what he was trained to do until a knee injury derailed his budding military career.

But when I’m stuck in the darkness of my own mind, when my heart aches with despair from within and without, I can’t just shut things out like he can. It’s the one place where he can’t fully reach to save me. And so I have to find a way to save my self, and as many times as I’ve had to do this, now it’s even harder. I can’t afford to retreat fully and gorge on ‘Member Berries while the world crumbles around me. I’m a Witch and I made a promise with my Gods to serve Them and help transform the world. In exchange, I asked for myself and my loved ones to be spared from the worst of the devastation; for what is the point of helping the world if those you love most don’t get to see the rewards? And I can’t see the future if I check out early. So I endure and I think sideways until my brain feels like a switch back staircase, and I rally my strength and I use the anger and despair as fuel for my spells.

Let this misery be transformed into something beautiful. Please, gods, let it be soon.