Putting The Underpants Gnomes To Work, For You (REPOST for St Patrick’s Day)

Note: Originally released as a Patron-Only posting for my Modern Mythology Scholar tier, I decided to re-post this in honor of St Patrick’s Day, Leprechauns, and helper-gnomes of all cultures. May the luck and aid of these mischievous earth spirits bring you everything you ask for, and nothing that you didn’t.

I love South Park. I think I’ve seen every episode at least thirty times, memorized the movie, played Stick of Truth three times, you get the idea. But one of their most brilliant throw-away ideas has taken root in my brain and was just begging for a spot in Modern Mythology: The Underpants Gnomes.

They have the dumbest business plan. They have no idea what phase two entails, but somehow it’s supposed to turn all the underpants they collect into profit. Which, when you know absolutely nothing about business, is pretty much a starting plan. You feel sufficiently busy and over-worked but have nothing to show for it aside from piles of panties. Or whatever you’re collecting/making. The whole episode is a satire of capitalism and small business vs big corporations and how the one can be just as greedy as the other. The Gnomes are the most honest business of all, openly declaring that they’re only doing things for money, without caring how they get it.

I began working with Gnomes (earth spirits, not specifically these guys) in 2015 when I was house-hunting and facing homelessness if we didn’t find a place to live by June. I picked up some  Green Calcite stones at the annual gem & mineral show. I loved how they felt in my hand, very alive and eager to have a job. Green calcite is excellent for helping things manifest, and feels like having an army of little gnomes who are ready and eager to help you achieve your goals. The results can be a bit chaotic if you have very broad needs and desires. Green Calcite gnomes work better when given a fully-outlined plan of action, but take care not to be too specific in your desired results, because they will find exactly what you’re asking for, warts and all.

To use the Gnomes, I carried them in my pockets whenever we went loking at a house or apartment, and during the course of the walk-thru, I would en-devour to place a stone on the property. Sort of like sticking a pin onto a map, but this pin was an energy receiver/transmitter. Because Calcite is a soft stone and beneficial to the soil, I didn’t feel guilty about burying the gnomes where I might not be able to retrieve them later. When the houses we marked either were found to be unsuitable (needed a new foundation, out of our price range, the owners changed their mind, the house was haunted AF), I would turn off the beacon. I had a large chunk of calcite, the Gnome King, who was the control hub.
We did eventually find the perfect house for us, four days under the deadline.

There is a price to their service. It seems that the Underpants Gnomes will also accept socks as payment. Just my socks. My husband seems to have found every sock he ever lost, but nearly all of mine have vanished. So it seems I’ll have to give the little buggers something to keep them busy for a while. Honestly, the Gnomes are… kinda stupid. I mean, they’re willing to do all sorts of tasks in order to collect underthings and I honestly don’t want to know what they’re doing with the socks either. But they’re exceedingly helpful when asked nicely. Just be sure to give them clear instructions, and hide your favorite socks.

“Ah, Gnomes now!”

  • Green Calcite pieces
  • Large Green Calcite chunk (Gnome King)
  • Money attraction oil/incense/powder
  • Money-drawing herbs, folding money, coins, etc
  • Written instructions, or an open contract (your spell)
    • Be clear on what you’re looking for, but not too specific
      • A house within my price range, with land to grow a garden and windows that my cat can sit in, within x miles of my job
      • A job where i can have creative freedom, with a six-figure salary, in a field I enjoy, with awesome co-workers
      • A car that I can afford, that runs perfectly, and will last at least 5+ years

Anoint the stones with Money Drawing oil, burn the incense and pass the stones through the smoke. Talk to the stones and tell then what you’re looking for. If you’re still trying to figure out the details, keep the stones with you when you’re discussing the matters and keep them involved. They’re always listening and they’ll take your counsel in the matters.  Keep the King on your altar and talk to it when you want to relay messages to the other gnomes. You can put money-drawing herbs, cash, house listings, or whatever corresponds to your desire under the Gnome King.

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When you go out job/house/car hunting, bring the stones with you so they can report back to the Gnome King. If possible, plant a Gnome on or near a potential candidate for acquisition. If something better come along, dismiss the Gnomes planted elsewhere from their duty.

When your goal is achieved, be sure to thank the Gnomes and the King for their service. Food, water, and booze are acceptable. Just don’t be surprised if your socks and underthings start vanishing later.

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