In Anger and Mourning

The world holds no more shocks and surprises for me anymore. I’ve seen the patterns unfolding and they are ugly. So very very ugly. The ugliest holiday sweater I’ve ever seen in my 33 years of life and I don’t want to wear it, even ironically.

I had thought that I’d reached a point of numbness where the reality of the world we are facing had hardened me, toughened my scales into a carapace and shell to protect the soft inner organs from further harm. Not so, apparently. “The heart is a soft muscle, bro. Squish.” Thanks, Mikey, I really didn’t need that reminder.

I haven’t cried in a few weeks, and I foolishly thought I was beyond tears for this land, these people, this country that I now realize I never truly knew nor understood; and that cares naught for me and those of my mindset. We are on our own and I hold no faith whatsoever that the tenuous positions of governance will be able to fully hold back the rising tide of malicious cancer growing in the heart of the country.

I have asked “What am I to do? What CAN I do?”
The only answers I get are, “Protect those you love. Dig in, hunker down, and wait for it to blow over. ”
“There must be more to it? Seriously? I”m so mad I want to punch and kick and throw curses at those who would see the people I love destroyed. Can’t I do SOMETHING to hinder them? Even if it’s just tying their shoelaces together…”
“Well,” The spirits answer, “you can do all that if it will help you feel better. Bear in mind there’s a lot of curses flying around right now, so while you may not see immediate results, it will contribute to the last battle being a spectacular display of chaos.”
“…..Will it effect the chances of survival for me and Mine?”
A shrug.
“It is helping the Cause at all, my being angry and hurt and miserable?”
“No, but you’re human and you have a large heart, so the collateral damage will be painful to watch and we cannot begrudge you your coping methods.”
“Then what the hell am I supposed to be doing to aid the Cause? I promised to offer my services in exchange for protection and to see things thru to the end. I want to see what brave new world we create and I want to see the children….”

Here I stop and the tears threaten to come again. The children I know and love now, the ones who smile and laugh and are so beautiful in their innocence that I would give my right arm to shelter them from ever knowing sadness or fear. The children I fear to bring into this world as it is, and so I will be getting a new copper baby-plug installed on the Solstice. I hope and pray that when I get this one removed, that I will still be physically able to bear at least one child; the son I saw in a vision so long ago, a little blonde boy with his father’s green eyes.

“…I want the children to have a world worth inheriting. I want them to have everything my generation was promised, but denied. I want to fix the broken promises of yesterday with the steady actions of today to bring about a beautiful tomorrow.”

As the tears fall, I hear a gentle voice in my head, “Then keep doing what you’re doing. When We need your Services, you will know. Until then, hunker down, dig in, hibernate, and prepare.”

 

Real Magic(k) at Faux Hogwarts

I went to the armory on a field trip in 5th grade. I hope they have this event again bc I totally want to go!

Dubious Monk's Thought Portal

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The picture you see above is the outside of the American location of Gringot’s Ban… Err, I mean Higgins Armory in Worcester, MA. USA. In it’s heyday, this modern monolith which rests on the eastern outskirts of the city was an educational museum displaying coats of arms, armor and other references to historical warfare from long begotten times.

Due to various complications and low visitor numbers, the Armory eventually closed. Several years ago however, it was bought by an entrepreneur who rents the space for various events such as weddings, parties, corporate events and etc.

One particularly interesting event, is the New England Witchcraft and Wizardry School.

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I am a hugely unashamed Harry Potter nerd and when my lovely wife brought this event to my attention, I was instantly on board.

Today we attended the event in full regalia as pictured below.

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That is me and my wife in…

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Stuck In the Dark Place Today

((TRIGGER WARNING – Depression, suicidal thoughts, talk of self-harm & suicide))

We all need a Mulligan for this last year, but I especially need one for today.

Despite the progress I’ve made in my personal practice and development, I’m having a nearly impossible time shaking myself out of despair. It’s not just Season Affective Disorder ramping up my already chronic depression, it feel like residual Soul Sickness. Everything is going wrong today, tensions are running high, patience is non-existent and the intrusive thoughts are bobbing around my head like deep water mines.

Everything is going to hell. You don’t want to see this. Better to just slit your wrists and be done.

NO

Chew your veins out like an animal. Rip flesh between your teeth. IF you can’t tear out the throats of the enemy, then save yourself the struggle and die with blood on your lips.

 Fuck you, voices! I know that’s a stupid thing to do and doesn’t accomplish anything!

Then swerve into oncoming traffic, if you want it over quick.

Double fuck-you, voices! I know you’re just a manifestation of depression, and that I”m not actually suicidal. Just overwhelmed by despair…. Which doesn’t make it any easier, but I know these are NOT my own thoughts, just intrusions.

I have never been a cutter, although I know far too many who were/are and still bear the scars. But if these are the kinds of thoughts that run through their heads 24/7, reinforced by the negative environments and living conditions they had to endure….. I can see why they thought that giving in, even briefly, would alleviate some of the anguish.
But once that adrenaline and endorphin rush fades away, the whispers come right back. I know this without resorting to self-harm, because the moment I employ one of my numerous coping mechanisms, the thoughts of suicide come right back.

There’s this overwhelming feeling of wanting to run away; to flee from some invisible monster that will gobble me up if I stay put, but I know that I cannot out run it either way. Running from problems is not solving them. But when you spend years trying to solve problems, the Universe throws more at you and I know there are lessons to be learned, but part of me wonders if it’s all even worth it, seeing what kind of world we’re setting up to inhabit in  2017. I have a bad feeling there’s going to be a lot of suicide notes left for people to find on New Year’s Day….

To keep the voices at bay, I stare at my tattooed wrist, at the symbol marked into my skin : Our sigil. The simple design I created for a commitment tattoo that stood for our agreement to be married, until such time as he was able to afford an emerald ring. If the world goes to hell, I can sell the ring to pay for food. If the world goes to hell, I have a permanent reminder of what I have to live for; Love.

Even if we have no money, we have each other. Even if they take the house and the car, we have eachother. Even if we have to flee into the woods with the clothes on our back and the pets in their carriers, we have eachother. He has sworn to protect me, with his life if need arise, and I pray it will never come to that point.Physical and present dangers, I know he can handle and get me to safety; That’s what he was trained to do until a knee injury derailed his budding military career.

But when I’m stuck in the darkness of my own mind, when my heart aches with despair from within and without, I can’t just shut things out like he can. It’s the one place where he can’t fully reach to save me. And so I have to find a way to save my self, and as many times as I’ve had to do this, now it’s even harder. I can’t afford to retreat fully and gorge on ‘Member Berries while the world crumbles around me. I’m a Witch and I made a promise with my Gods to serve Them and help transform the world. In exchange, I asked for myself and my loved ones to be spared from the worst of the devastation; for what is the point of helping the world if those you love most don’t get to see the rewards? And I can’t see the future if I check out early. So I endure and I think sideways until my brain feels like a switch back staircase, and I rally my strength and I use the anger and despair as fuel for my spells.

Let this misery be transformed into something beautiful. Please, gods, let it be soon.