Would If I Could, But Clearly I Cannot

“Watch your mouth!”

“Use more discretion when you talk!”

“You give too much away! Stop talking so much!”

“Why did you say that?!”

*significant looks that something has escaped from my lips that apparently is ‘tmi’ or not something I’m supposed to say.

You’d think that at almost 33 years old, I would have a firm grasp on how to keep my mouth in check around people. And the fact of the matter is that I DO. I hold back about 90% of what I would dearly LOVE to say. Things that, with the revelation of hard truth would destroy alliances, crush the spirit, and bring others to tears in their pressurized venom.

But I bite my tongue. Sometimes literally.

It is only when I feel the slightest bit of rapport, of familiarity, of a kindred mind who just might comprehend what I’m getting at that I let the words come as they will and care not where they land. And with some people, they get it and chuckle or take me seriously, depending on what I’m trying to communicate. And with others, especially my parents, I am met with glares and looks of incredulous shock that something so personal, so hurtful, so snark or inappropriate could escape my lips that I am scolded like a child and told to keep quiet until I can behave.

But if I’ve gone 30+ years being told to monitor my words, and there is only so much control I can maintain, maybe the problem isn’t a lack of conscious effort on my part. Maybe it’s because my brain is wired differently and no matter how hard I try to maintain control, at some point the reigns will slip from my grasp and a wild verbal pony will break away from the herd and cause a little chaos.

I accept my limitations and I know when I’m being actively brutal with my words. Trust me, if you think my accidental slip ups are bad, you don’t want to be around when I let go of the flood gates and really let words pour out of my facehole.

Gods help you of you are the one who triggers the blast…


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